a brand new goal for a brand new me…

My new goal for this month is 2 fold

• weigh 175 on the digital scale or 155 on the old school one.
• Stick to my new eating/workout schedules.

I have been on the “new” schedules for about a week now and honestly – it is SOOO much easier to have things spelled out for me instead of waking up and saying “oh well, i don’t really feel like it today”.  As long as it’s on that paper I am obligated to do it because it a schedule I made.  Jo has also made one – not the same as mine which is really great because she’s responsible to keep it up. 

Losing weight is like remapping out your life.  Seriously, my love (near obsession) of food is just as hard an addiction to break as any other habit.  It may not kill you as fast as others but you are basically eating your life away with all kinds of diseases.  Learning how to eat without overdoing it is insanely hard.  I keep hearing people say that – there are underlying issues for reasons why people turn to food.  I agree.  I feel like I turned to food because I lack self esteem.  I feel like I am not worth it.  That others’ needs should be before my own – therefore I neglected myself and my health.  I also believe that I just LOVE to eat and that I am too lazy to cook because going out is so much quicker and easier and when you work all the time – convenience is what your looking for!  For now I will stick to my schedule and get that under control and then move on to re-establishing my cooking routine.  We might have to work something out between the two of us…moving forward but slowly. 

Quick happy side note * The last two days I have had NO nausea or diarreah.  Maybe my body is finally starting to get adjusted!  yeah!

 

home sweet mess…

When we walked in the door the smell was intense…. it was the smell of too old bread and AC not running for 3 weeks.  The smell of dust and general house settlement.  Amidst all the smell though there is a moment as your feet cross over the threshold that you say “ahhh…home.”   We moved our stuff back in today and now the living room is a gigantic mess.  The flood waters missed our home thankfully but others around us were not so luck y (we live on a bit of a hill).  While the time spent at MIL was uneventful in the way of arguments this time – it’s not the same as being home.

I am contemplating going back to the old scale and ditching the digital – for the simple fact that I started losing weight on that one and well…it’s always less than that damn digital one.  I am still undecided at what to do at this point.  Maybe I will use both   Food awareness is going well – I think I am down to 184 now so almost 2 lbs. since I started logging everything and sticking to my schedule.  I’d say that is success no matter how you slice it

I got drunk last night – so I didn’t take the met like I was supposed to because it says don’t mix – aren’t I a good patient.  OH yeah, like it was really hard to give up one night – I have felt better today than I have in almost a month of taking the damn things!  I called the doc – basically “stick it out if you can – call me if you can’t” was the response I got…..  Dr. funny pants is not so funny sometimes.  Then because my cell was lost I told the nurse to call Jo’s phone and leave a message – stupid nurse left “Hi, didn’t know your name was Joleen so I will NOT leave you a message”.   WTF?  Then she calls back and says “oh sorry my bad, I didn’t know you were partners…blah blah blah.”  I guess I should be happy that she at least sort of apologized…. and hey I found my cell too!

Today is CD 1 for me. Last cycle was about 39 days long.  They are growing longer and longer which I fear is going to jeopardize TTC when I finally make it to that point.  Common things are headaches and cramps exactly one week before like clock work.  No sore boobs this time that I can recall but hey I’ve been so consumed with the nausea and diarrhea from the met that maybe I just haven’t noticed.  I wonder if I am doing enough during my time off to prepare myself for “the long wait” of TTC.  I have been contemplating doing some meditation stuff now so that when we do start TTC I know how to do it.  Who knows, maybe I will try acupuncture too

 

picture progress…

Me at 185, 175 and about 170 (bottom pic).  I keep saying I can’t believe it but really I just can’t.  Only a little while now and I will start TTC again!  WHOO HOO!

OH and I am starting the pro-active regiment for my skin.  Now that things are starting to get back on track it seems my skin is going crazy!  I haven’t had this many pimples since puberty.  I don’t want all my pictures of the vegas trip to be me covered in unsightly blemishes (sounds like the commercial :O)  so I bought some yesterday.  For only$70 (WHAT!!!)  dollars.  Anyway, I will let you know if it works as well as they say or if it’s crap in a bottle.

*currently listening to

 

Vegas bound…

We are leaving for Vegas in just over 2 weeks from now.  OMG I can’t wait!  It is going to be sooooo awesome!  We are thinking that we will buy one more small luggage so we can pack half and half .  That way if one bag gets lost we both still have clothes.   I have been hearing a lot about it from people who have been and it sounds like a dream trip – Vegas, Grand Cany.on and ATV’s in the desert!  Last but certainly not least – BETTE MIDLER in concert!  Jo’s dad always wanted to take her to the GC but he passed away before he got the chance.  I feel a mix of emotions about that – I mean I couldn’t decide where to take her and then all of  the sudden the GC popped in my head and I though – hmmm that’s close to Vegas too we could do both!  Funny how things work  – he was probably whispering it to me in my sleep or something :O)  Anyway, creepiness aside – it warms my heart to know that I am able to give her the trip they really wanted to take and just couldn’t. 

Switching gears for a minute – my temp this morning was up – 97.2 and it was supposed to go down.  Today is CD 29 – supposed to be the last day of this cycle but I have a feeling this one will be longer due to my topsy turvy life her lately.  My boobs did get sore 2 days ago and I have been feeling sluggish so I’m sure it’s not longer that a week to go to she gets here.  This cycle looks anovulatory as well.  Looks like I have to lose some more weight to get things going in the right direction.  6 More lbs. will put me at this months goal but I only have 2 weeks left (with a vacation trip) in the midst of all that to boot.  HMMM….might have to use that gym at the hotel after all :O)

* Chart updated as of this morning

 

I feel the need…

the need for….reflection.  I have been thinking about a lot of things today – since i took the day off to specifically do that.  I have been thinking of (here come the bullets folks)

• My mom – and how much I love her and need her support on this journey.  So many others are not as fortunate as we are to have support from their families.  My heart goes out to them.
• my job – and how a few bad choices can cost you so much in such a short amount of time.  I am having to meet with a team counselor because I am perceived as being selfish and self serving.  Well, I work to work – not to make friends and since I am competitive by nature it seems to me like they are just  upset that I strive to do a better job and it makes them look bad- IMHO.
• my body – and how I really want to look like a million buck but instead I am spending a million bucks on fast food that destroys all of the hard work I have put in.  Addiction is tough.  I need a push in the right direction again or some motivation – a cheering section if you will.
• my home – which I can’t seem to sell to help us get out of here and start fresh somewhere else.
• my self esteem – which is in the pits thanks to my body not ovulating or doing anything that is friken supposed to.  OH wait – that’s my fault.
• my honey – and how I love her so much and wish i could give her better things…but i can’t.
• my faith – which has been tested more than once and still keeps me going.  God is in all things – and we only pass this way once so if we can show just a little kindness let us do it now.  I firmly believe in the co-existing of religions without hate.  Personally I believe there is a little truth in all of them on purpose so that we would have to come together to get the whole picture.  just my opinion – no hate mail please religious fanatics.
• my quilting – which i have neglected almost to the point where i might have forgotten how to do it (not really but you get my point).  This is a stress relief for me and I haven’t even got the energy for it.

This has been a heck of a week.  So far – I have been unable to exercise not because I couldn’t but because I wouldn’t.  Motivation is gone, lacking, disappeared…whatever.  Work is a blur right now – i’m just trying to keep my job at this point.  The good news is it’s friday and the weekend is here.  Monday…well, we shall cross that bridge when we get there.