well…

not to sound less than enthusiastic about this TWW but… I kinda am.  I am trying – sorta successfully – to keep my mind on other things.  To keep my mind so full of projects I don’t have time to think of anything else.    I had some pretty intense cramping last night which makes me think AF is right around the corner and makes me a little sad.  Part of me thinks well you did take the double dose of clomid and maybe it worked this time…but the other part of me thinks honestly how could this outcome be different than the last.  The only time I allow myself to think about it when I’m blogging so it might be sparse this TWW just because I am trying not to over analyze every little symp or twinge.  There is a song from the movie P.rince of E.gypt about miracles – even though it’s a kids movie they are still pretty powerful and I think the lyrics definitely apply to the head space I’m currently in or hoping to be in soon.  One of complete faith and understanding that things happen for a reason – and that it’s not just a chliche’.

In workout world, I am set to run with my team tonight – well half of my team the other half is training and to gimpy to run LOL.  Really though, it’s not funny she hurt her knees and ankles from running…I think because we don’t have good technique…maybe we should ask for some help with that.  Anywhoo, I weigh in officially with my biggest loser state challenge today – starting weight is (drumroll please)…184.8   I know most girls would probably be sad with that number but as you know – starting from 230 a year ago – that number is cause for a celebration for me.  I still have another 50lbs. I wanna lose.  I need to be 130-135!  That also means I NEED to get off my ass and stop whining about exercise especially when I have such an unexpectedly great support group at work.

 

met magic trick…

I figured out how not to get sick on the met.  I cut the pill in half and take it every 12 hours.  Oh yeah, I’m a friken genius!  In other news new quilt projects on the horizon – Jo’s should be done tomorrow and hopefully* I should have my SIL’s bible cover for christmas done as well. 

In babyville, I am on CD 4.  Clomid starts tomorrow and lasts through day 9 (100mg).  Jo is also on CD 4 and did I mention that we are both trying this month….hmmm.  Well, at least we double our odds this month!   I am also debating on watching Paranormal A.ctivity.  I can’t decide – since I believe in that stuff would it be wise considering I’m home alone most of the week?  I don’t know but part of me wants to see it to find out what all the hype is.  Has anyone else seen it?  What happens so I know if it’s ok or too scary?

 

will it really happen this month?

I gained a lb this week. I am tempted to say it’s just water weight but truth is – I took off the last two days of exercise because of some back pain and pretty much didn’t log what I ate. A huge mistake for me because there goes the structure! Without it I can’t do this. So in a feeble attempt to make up for lost time – I will not take off my thursday this week only Sunday (mothers day) to get back on schedule. On a much lighter note – I think the metformin might actually help me ovulate this month – I had a temp drop on my chart this morning and some EWCM too! all good signs that my body is getting baby ready!  I really needed to see some results too because whoo it has put my body through the ringer!  Today is CD 11 of month 4 of charting.  Temps seem to be a little more consistent this month than previous months so here’s hoping

 

a brand new goal for a brand new me…

My new goal for this month is 2 fold

• weigh 175 on the digital scale or 155 on the old school one.
• Stick to my new eating/workout schedules.

I have been on the “new” schedules for about a week now and honestly – it is SOOO much easier to have things spelled out for me instead of waking up and saying “oh well, i don’t really feel like it today”.  As long as it’s on that paper I am obligated to do it because it a schedule I made.  Jo has also made one – not the same as mine which is really great because she’s responsible to keep it up. 

Losing weight is like remapping out your life.  Seriously, my love (near obsession) of food is just as hard an addiction to break as any other habit.  It may not kill you as fast as others but you are basically eating your life away with all kinds of diseases.  Learning how to eat without overdoing it is insanely hard.  I keep hearing people say that – there are underlying issues for reasons why people turn to food.  I agree.  I feel like I turned to food because I lack self esteem.  I feel like I am not worth it.  That others’ needs should be before my own – therefore I neglected myself and my health.  I also believe that I just LOVE to eat and that I am too lazy to cook because going out is so much quicker and easier and when you work all the time – convenience is what your looking for!  For now I will stick to my schedule and get that under control and then move on to re-establishing my cooking routine.  We might have to work something out between the two of us…moving forward but slowly. 

Quick happy side note * The last two days I have had NO nausea or diarreah.  Maybe my body is finally starting to get adjusted!  yeah!

 

home sweet mess…

When we walked in the door the smell was intense…. it was the smell of too old bread and AC not running for 3 weeks.  The smell of dust and general house settlement.  Amidst all the smell though there is a moment as your feet cross over the threshold that you say “ahhh…home.”   We moved our stuff back in today and now the living room is a gigantic mess.  The flood waters missed our home thankfully but others around us were not so luck y (we live on a bit of a hill).  While the time spent at MIL was uneventful in the way of arguments this time – it’s not the same as being home.

I am contemplating going back to the old scale and ditching the digital – for the simple fact that I started losing weight on that one and well…it’s always less than that damn digital one.  I am still undecided at what to do at this point.  Maybe I will use both   Food awareness is going well – I think I am down to 184 now so almost 2 lbs. since I started logging everything and sticking to my schedule.  I’d say that is success no matter how you slice it

I got drunk last night – so I didn’t take the met like I was supposed to because it says don’t mix – aren’t I a good patient.  OH yeah, like it was really hard to give up one night – I have felt better today than I have in almost a month of taking the damn things!  I called the doc – basically “stick it out if you can – call me if you can’t” was the response I got…..  Dr. funny pants is not so funny sometimes.  Then because my cell was lost I told the nurse to call Jo’s phone and leave a message – stupid nurse left “Hi, didn’t know your name was Joleen so I will NOT leave you a message”.   WTF?  Then she calls back and says “oh sorry my bad, I didn’t know you were partners…blah blah blah.”  I guess I should be happy that she at least sort of apologized…. and hey I found my cell too!

Today is CD 1 for me. Last cycle was about 39 days long.  They are growing longer and longer which I fear is going to jeopardize TTC when I finally make it to that point.  Common things are headaches and cramps exactly one week before like clock work.  No sore boobs this time that I can recall but hey I’ve been so consumed with the nausea and diarrhea from the met that maybe I just haven’t noticed.  I wonder if I am doing enough during my time off to prepare myself for “the long wait” of TTC.  I have been contemplating doing some meditation stuff now so that when we do start TTC I know how to do it.  Who knows, maybe I will try acupuncture too

 

some days i could float away….

            Sorry for the radio silence …lot’s going on in my neck of the woods lately or not depending on how you look at it.  My temps are still down – actually are zig zagging all over the place since I started taking the met. And it doesn’t look good for this month either as far as ovulation goes.  I Have been having some sort of clumpy CM but it has traces of brown in it (like old blood?) so not to sure about that. 

I don’t know if I have ever mentioned the terrain where I live but – it’s in between 3 rivers and where the merge is not to far.  Well Sunday I was making my usual rounds on the internet and got to weather.com and imagine my surprise when it says “FLOOD WARNING #1, #2, #3”!  I was like OMG SERIOUSLY?  I have a fear of the weather – wind mostly – because of all the old trees around our home.  I am really sacred that they will fall on the house while I sleep and so every night I check the weather.  Sounds crazy I know – but it’s the only way I can sleep at night.  Anyway, so now we are in the midst of what could be the worst flood our area has seen this 100 years!  Flood level is 19 and today we were already at that – projections put us between 27 -32 feet.  Holy friken crap.  The next step was to pack up anything that we thought we couldn’t lose…. as in was not replaceable.  Stop for a minute and think – what would you take?  Now imaging the worlds biggest pack rat x 2 and you can start to see what it was like at our house a mere 24 hours ago.  Voluntary evacuations have started.  We drove by the house and it’s already starting to come up the road. Yikes!

So we get everything packed up (the house is a wreck) and I call our flood insurance company to make sure that all payments have been made and the policy is up to date…yes – thank GOD – but (always a but) the stuff in the sheds is not covered sooooo….the unpacking of the sheds commenced.  Our generator, lawn mowers, grills…basically everything you don’t want in a house had to come in so that it would be covered on the insurance.  I took pics of everything but I forgot to take pics of our mattress set – dang gotta go back.

To make things just that much more of a pain…I lost my phone.  The brand new touch screen (to crazy to operate) phone.  We went out bowling on Sat. and we had a few beers (more like 6 or 7 for me) and after we sang karaoke at the bar I was going to take a pic and that was the last time I saw it.  I can’t make any calls on the go which is an inconvenience to say the least right now considering the floods and all. 

Now we come to the topic I have kinda avoiding…weight loss.  It’s not going well if at all.  I feel out of touch with that desire right now.  The met does seem to be helping but it’s only day 3 and I think that’s because it’s giving me diarrhea.  I can’t seem to stay hydrated enough on this medication and I seem hungrier than usual.  Is this normal for everyone else?  As it stands I have about 50 more lbs. to lose and that goal seems bigger than ever right about now.  I am hoping that things will level out here soon and I can take a jog tomorrow morning with Marley to help her focus and get my metabolism goin!

Last, the quilt projects.  As some of you know or even if you don’t – I like to quilt.  It’s my hobby it’s what I do…it’s my stress relief of sorts.  Well, I’ve got about 3 or four projects on my plate right now (mostly baby quilts) and I can’t wait to start them.  Problem is finding the time. More on that later since the post has run entirely too long….  Congrats to all the BFP’s out there this month -  I can’t wait until we can join you!