Meteor Shower…

Tonight I will be up watching a meteor shower…by myself :O(  Jo has to work and won’t get to see it.  It’s supposed to start good around midnight which is great cause I will still be up!  Her schedule still has me messed up and I find it very hard to sleep without her there.  During the week I only get about 5 hrs. a night but on the weekends…it’s something like 10-11 hrs. 

In weight loss land – from somewhere out of the blue I got a shot of motivation and I am going to ride it as long as I can.  I suddenly have the strength to say NO to the bad things like mayo on sandwiches again.  I got a pedometer yesterday from the Active For L.ife program that we are doing at work.  I just have to log my daily activities now and hopefully our team will win!  I am competitive so that’s enough to drive me to complete this 12 weeks program.

In TTC world – still waiting on AF.  I am sure it’s because I changed my exercise routine that it’s taking SOOOOO long.  My last cycle was something like 48 -50 days.  The longest I ever went was 6 months without but then it turned back around and I had six months of AF….everyday.  I eventually ended up in the hospital anemic and had to have medication to stop the menses.   Really crappy. 

Otherwise, things are good.  My mom told me she was getting married and, I’m not sure yet, but I don’t know if I am happy about it.  I never expected her to get back with dad but something is still off.  Dentist appt to replace 2 fillings coming up next week and my boss is out from work on maternity leave.

 

a little clarification…

I feel the need to explain the situation with my brother a little more.  See he was our donor at one time…long, long ago.  It started off well enough – they didn’t want kids – we did… viola.  My brother and I had a stellar relationship.  The closest of the 9 kids.  That was before he found his religion.  His wife insisted that they go to church and that is where he was last seen – now he is but a shell of the person I knew.  When we decided to stop “working together” it was very painful for Jo.  She felt rejected as did I but he’s my brother and I appreciated the help he did give us so I was a little quicker to forgive.  However, after that he got very weird…that’s the only word for it.  He managed to make us feel like lesser humans by quietly shunning us.  They stopped coming around, stopped calling, and eventually stopped all contact with us.  He didn’t even call on my birthday this year.  These are not the rants of an anti-religious person, rather the hurtful confessions of a sister who feels like her brother stopped loving her because she’s gay.  It is unbelievable painful.  We are supposed to get together with my mom this weekend…I’m not sure if that will happen.  At this point I am getting past the hurt and moving on toward anger.  I am having trouble directing it though.  Instead of blaming him –  I am blaming his religion.  I know this is irrational but don’t rightly give a shit.

 

can’t concentrate….

all this family stuff has my brain so preoccupied I can’t concentrate on anything.  I am worried sick about my mom and how bad this situation can get – not legally I think but emotionally.  It’s going to turn into a his kids her kids type deal and she is so giving and loving – it will be hard for her.  Especially now with the grand kids too!  this sucks. 

I can’t seem to focus on my diet right now which was going pretty good – at least at a steady pace anyway.  Now – my plan is all screwed up because our fridge broke and you know what that means…going out to eat ALL week.  I am not even going to tell you how expensive this week has been but on top of all that – we haven’t had time to go but a new one, all the food that was in it went bad and we have to buy more groceries too!  plus moms taxes and trying hard to save for the “baby” fund….shit this month has been a tough money month.  I would say let’s put it on the credit card but I know that’s a bad idea not to mention we can’t because the only one we have is just about maxed out…sadly.  Seems like we just can’t get out of this hole.  We get ahead and then bam – huge amounts of money are needed and I haven’t had time to save since I payed of the card last time.  this sucks too.  Anyway, what was I talking about …OH right the weight loss stuff.  Well, today is not a normal weigh in day but I did it and I’ll be damned it if I didn’t gain 3lbs. overnight.  Not surprised – I ate taco bell for a late night snack last night and we all know how healthy that is…NOT.   So basically today I just feel humdrum…bummed about gaining weight today and just tired of the body stress.  ugghh…i’m gonna go run and clear my head or something.  OH and I almost stepped on a snake yesterday a little one that looked like this

 

we are just guessing at the type from pictures …we only saw him for a short second but this is just about what the little guy looked like.  He wasn’t aggressive at all either even though he almost was a casualty of my size 7.  cool huh!

 

the audacity of some people…

“Some people” in this post refers to my very absent dad.  My dad who left us here about 5 years ago with only occasional calls or emails even though he’s quite capable…just unwilling.  I have been stewing over his latest attempt at trying to contact us andact like he has some authority here.  Where he very obviously does NOT.  He left my mother with bills to pay and moved across the globe to the Philippines where he met a girl younger than his youngest child (my brother who is 25) and had a baby.   Jo and I are having to basically support my mom at this point because she has no marketable job skills to speak of especially in today’s world – she has no idea how to use a computer.  Now that this economy is in such a crunch she can’t find anything but cleaning houses for a living.  No insurance – no retirement- nada.  Anyway, without getting into too much detail…my mom does own her own home out right paid off with 20 acres attached. This is where my dad calls and says that my step sister is getting foreclosed on (she has known for a year) and that mom is going to sell them 5 acres of her property.  WHAT?!  first off who the fuck is he to tell her to do anything at all?  he left her!  Second, he wants her to sign over the property first so they can use it as collateral and then they are SUPPOSED to pay on it (umm…they are in foreclosure right NOW does anyone think that they will pay for it?  ESPECIALLY after the deed is already in their name?).  He must think mom is a complete idiot – or the puppet that he left her 5 years ago.  She has changed and I am doing my best to empower her and let her know that this will NOT work.  It’s a huge mistake.  It has tax implications even because  if she lets go of this 5 acres she loses her agricultural tax status and property taxes shoot way UP!  she can’t afford the ones she has now!  Jo and I are paying them for her. 

I can’t even begin to tell you how busy I was yesterday – calling real estate attorneys, the tax office, building and zoning office, property appraiser, etc…..  My dad is so greedy.  So self centered.  That house is all my mom has for retirement and right now property value is in the toilet so she basically is royally fuck’d.  super.  The best part about this whole thing is he sends me an email yesterday telling me that “mom was upset when I talked to her…I need you to help me in this situation”  is he fucking kidding me?  The best help I can give both of them is to say look – it’s  a bad idea family wise and a really bad move financially.  Because he will come over here and fuck it all up again and leave – just like he always does and my brother, jo and I will be the only ones helping her get things back to normal.  I fucking hate family drama.

 

I feel the need…

the need for….reflection.  I have been thinking about a lot of things today – since i took the day off to specifically do that.  I have been thinking of (here come the bullets folks)

• My mom – and how much I love her and need her support on this journey.  So many others are not as fortunate as we are to have support from their families.  My heart goes out to them.
• my job – and how a few bad choices can cost you so much in such a short amount of time.  I am having to meet with a team counselor because I am perceived as being selfish and self serving.  Well, I work to work – not to make friends and since I am competitive by nature it seems to me like they are just  upset that I strive to do a better job and it makes them look bad- IMHO.
• my body – and how I really want to look like a million buck but instead I am spending a million bucks on fast food that destroys all of the hard work I have put in.  Addiction is tough.  I need a push in the right direction again or some motivation – a cheering section if you will.
• my home – which I can’t seem to sell to help us get out of here and start fresh somewhere else.
• my self esteem – which is in the pits thanks to my body not ovulating or doing anything that is friken supposed to.  OH wait – that’s my fault.
• my honey – and how I love her so much and wish i could give her better things…but i can’t.
• my faith – which has been tested more than once and still keeps me going.  God is in all things – and we only pass this way once so if we can show just a little kindness let us do it now.  I firmly believe in the co-existing of religions without hate.  Personally I believe there is a little truth in all of them on purpose so that we would have to come together to get the whole picture.  just my opinion – no hate mail please religious fanatics.
• my quilting – which i have neglected almost to the point where i might have forgotten how to do it (not really but you get my point).  This is a stress relief for me and I haven’t even got the energy for it.

This has been a heck of a week.  So far – I have been unable to exercise not because I couldn’t but because I wouldn’t.  Motivation is gone, lacking, disappeared…whatever.  Work is a blur right now – i’m just trying to keep my job at this point.  The good news is it’s friday and the weekend is here.  Monday…well, we shall cross that bridge when we get there.

 

as good a time as any

I figure I should stop in and post.  Things here have been crazy.  I don’t know where to begin.  Well, first let me say that I am happy that Obama is President Elect although that did not change the fact that here in the “sunshine state” things have been shitty.  Amendment 2 passed defining marriage between “one man and one woman” while at the same time – refusing to acknowledge civil unions and denying thousands of couples rights.  Bogus.  The last time politics and religion were mixed people were burned at the stake….seriously you would think we could move on from that!  While we are on the subject of religion – as some of you know I use this blog as a spiritual outlet – well I am about to vent again…..  My brother, whom I love very much, has started what I feel is a cult of sorts.  He has a preacher (with no knowledge or training at seminary) who he believes that God himself speaks to.  They have about 13 followers now.  I know that to some of you it may seem like WTF!?  It feels that way to me as well.  I don’t know how to aproach the situation – I mean they are screaming at people on the street that they are going to hell – my niece saw them and went to say hello and they scared her so bad she was crying her eyes out!  She is only 8 and his “preacher” told her she was going to hell – doesn’t Jesus say embrace the children not scare the shit out of them?!  He say’s he’s worried for peoples souls but not mine – because he only worries for the christians.  I am not even JOKING people – he has gone off the deep end.  They have a makeshift pulpit in their house.  How they think they have it right and ALL the churches are wrong is beyond me.  It is a little scary though when you think about it -  I mean what if they start cleansing the earth of sinner and come knocking on my door.   Creepy.  So…we are thinking about moving.