Fruit Looped

So, I haven’t seen AF yet.  But my tests so far are negative.  My temp dropped to 97.1 (.1 under my cover line) and then shot up to 97.9 this morning.   I am unsure of what to think here.   I should have started on Sat….but it’s tues now and -tive tests abound.  Any ideas??

of one of the greatest entertainers of our time…Jo and I learn to moonwalk together tonight   It seriously feels like a piece of my childhood died with him.  I just want to say….MJ  – you will be missed and I hope that you find the peace you so desperately sought.  Your music changed the world and your good deeds shined far and above the bad.  RIP Michael!

It’s a BFN this morning for us.  Dang it.

So, I have been keeping a secret….  We tried this month.  2 weeks ago on Friday.  I had some spotting at 8dpo and again today.  It was kinda a last minute decision…we had the opportunity to do it with our old donor and thought….what the hell?  why not right?  I haven’t noticed any symps at all other than being a little tired today and bitchy and super emotional and crabby….but nothing else really   I can’t decide if I should be upset about the spotting or not…I guess we will know in a couple of days. 

 ”June will be the month I get pregnant, I will get pregnant in June.” 

I thought after having time to plan and lose weight I would be ready for all the emotions surrounding this first attempt in a year but…not really.  I had totally forgot we even tried until today when we were having lunch with mom and she starting asking “what do you think your cravings will be?”  The waitress overheard and then started being all funny and nice and asking me if I wanted peanut butter and pickles (because that’s what she craved during her pregnancy) ….thanks mom.  The worst part was then I counted to see when the  due date would be (Feb’ish around Jo’s bday -  I would love to give her that as a present).  Damn it.  Now it has consumed my mind and I can no longer pretend that I am cool, calm and collected.  I obviously am not.  Tears over taco’s is not calm.

So, I was sitting here reading..duh…twilight and it occurred to be that it would be fucking hot to have Alice an Bella get together instead of Edward (don’t get me wrong that’s hot too).  I was debating on if I would post it here since it’s my first attempt at writing anything EVER.  But I thought hell, why not, if nothing else maybe I can get some pointers from others.  So here goes:

Chapter 1

God it’s hot here was all I could think.  I had come to Jacksonville to visit my mother and Phil for the summer before heading off to college.  Renee’ has been trying to talk me into the University of Florida but I prefer my first choice – Seattle University.  This made my dad Charlie insanely happy because I would be close enough for him to come check up on me. 

Mom was off with Phil today so I got to have some alone time.  I decided to go to the beach with my favorite book of Austen classics.  But it was too hot to read.  It was too hot to do anything but sweat.  I need to cool down.  I took off my clothes and revealed the little black bikini with white bows that I had bought before coming here.  It wasn’t anything special but it fit me well and gave me more cleavage that I had ever thought possible.

I dropped my book on the towel and headed toward the inviting water.  I was sure it would feel cold in this heat so I waded in just to my calves and let the water run over me.  I stood there a minute to get acclimated to the temperature.  It felt phenomenal.  I could feel the water rushing out the sand beneath my toes and knew I needed to move.  Just as I was about to, the rest of the sand gave way enough to make me highly unstable and…I fell.  My butt hit the beach so hard I was sure I broken my tail bone – the water did little in the way of “cushioning” my fall. 

Lucky for me my mom’s neighbor was around to witness my humiliation.  I would say this bothered me but I have become so used to my clumsiness that it was impossible to bruise my ego anymore.

“You took quite a spill there.”  Yeah lucky for me you got to see it. 

His name was Jacob.  He was tall but not towering and he had shiny jet black hair.   He was tan and you could definitely tell there was some Native American influence in his genetic makeup. 

“Yeah,” I was busy trying to get the sand, which had turned to mud, off my butt. “I think I’ll be ok though.”

“Do you need some help?”  He was trying to hide the smirk that was threatening to take over his whole face.

“No, thanks though” My face was full on scarlet now blushing from embarrassment.  The sand that had gotten into my bottoms was so heavy now it was trying to pull them down and made my butt look saggy.  Great, this is totally attractive.  I was praying that they hadn’t noticed. 

“Ok then, see you later” he called and turned back to his girlfriend.

What was I thinking coming to the beach?  I could have drowned for all the luck I had.  It seems trouble follows me wherever I go.

After gathering my things and what was left of my pride I walked back up to the house.  I expected my mom and Phil to be home by now but the house was still empty.  Game must have gone into extra innings.  Oh well, I would be disappointed but I appreciated the alone time.  I sat down on the couch attempting to watch some TV but it didn’t keep my interest for long.  I started thinking about my encounter with the guy next door.   But it wasn’t him that was holding my attention at the moment.  It was the brunette that he had on his arm.   She was slender and tan as well.  They must spend a lot of time on the beach together. 

I was about fifteen when I started noticing the girls at school more that the guys.  Gym was the worst not only because of my apparent clumsiness but because of the closeness of the girls.  I had to change and shower with them all the while being very aware of the reactions my body was having to them half naked.  I was afraid to look up from my locker for even a second.  I was sure that someone would see my thoughts and I would be outed right there.  It was the hour of my day that was the most excruciating but also the most anticipated.

One Monday in gym our coach told us we were going to be playing volleyball for the entire week and she separated our class into four teams of six girls each.   My team didn’t seem excited to have me and they tried to persuade coach to give us a handicap. 

“But she’s not any good” Wow, don’t hold back!

“She’s always tripping and falling.” Thanks for the compliment?

“Well, I think she’s great” ummm…what? My head snapped up to see who had come to my rescue.

The girl who had just spoken up on my behalf was small…one could almost say pixie like.  She had short brown hair that stuck out in all different directions and lovely hazel eyes.  Her name was Alice Cullen.

“Thanks” I said.

OK so that is what I have so far.  Don’t be shy with the criticism …seriously – it’s the only way I will get any better   Thanks

So the last two days have been pretty eventful…some good some not as good.  Yesterday was a rough day…the kind of day that makes or breaks a relationship day.  We talked.  Mostly about how our lives have gotten into a routine and we know what to expect everyday about how there is no spontaneity anymore.  July 23 will be our 9 year anniversary – keeping the spark alive is something every couple struggles with – either they decide to part ways because it’s too much work or they stick it out and remember why they fell in love to begin with.  Phrases like “want to date other people” and “kids with someone else” and “do you want out” were thrown around.  They are questions that we really talked about – we weren’t angry but there were tears.  It’s hard to talk about this kind of stuff which is why most of the time it goes unsaid.  We spent last night and the day today getting back to the basics and spending some quality time together without distractions – it was wonderful.  Working, driving, living and being together can get really…really…really stressful.  We have decided also to not spend all our time together on the weekends or at lunch during the week so that we allow us to miss us.  I am sure that this will go a long way in rekindling the flame and let us be individuals together again.

This morning.  After 3 weeks of binging and a roller coaster of emotional baggage…I ran.  I know people are probably like WTF…you have been doing this since October shouldn’t you be over the surprise “I can do it” by now?  Well, that’s my point – the fact that I still give a damn when I am only 3 months shy of being 1 year into my weight loss plan is a huge surprise to me!  The fact that somewhere deep inside me I feel that I am worth the struggle…that I haven’t given up on myself yet…it speaks volumes of how much personal growth I have gone through since I started this.  I am not the same person anymore… It’s difficult I think for Jo right now because I am changing and she is reacting to the change…sometimes with frustration or anger…not at me but because she doesn’t understand.  It has been a rough 3 weeks around here lots of crying and apologies on both sides.  Fact is I love her, can’t imagine my life without her, and we will figure this out too…just like everything else.

although nothing intresting has happened in the last couple of days that would warrant an entire post.  The most I can say is AF was here for 11 days….11 days peeps.  That totally sucked.  I am sure it was due to the fact that I have not exercised in 3 weeks  *sigh*…it’s just so damn hard to get back up on the wagon once your off and the food is sooooo yummy.   My success at pregnancy it seems is going to be a direct result of managing my eat/exercise schedules.  If I stop working out my cycles get screwy…fuck.  Why isn’t this easier?

before they are in the basket…  Don’t know if this is a good idea or not but somehow today we got on the subject of baby names that we would like and then that wild surge of eternal hope came and I couldn’t help but think….we will get to use these names…someday.  I wonder how many of us secretly name the eggs before they hatch.  How many of us guard that secret name just in case someone else might want to use it and then it would lose it’s  luster.  I know we have a few that we aren’t ready to speak out loud much less tell anyone IRL because we all know once they hear our special name they will covet it and use it for their baby pleasure and leave us in the dust…with only new animals who need a name.  I wonder….

So, we are having some money issues.  Hell, who’s not in today’s world.   I am usually really good about budgeting but here lately I have been slacking and not really paying attention to what we are spending our money on….hence the issues.  Basically, we are trying to help my mom pay her taxes and trying to get out of debt…but then, the fridge broke and we had to pay sperm storage and our summer vacation rental….man seems like when it rains it pours.  Not that I am complaining because there are so many others that are worse off than us …worried about what they are going to eat and not vacation rentals but…I need somwhere to vent – it just so happens it’s here.  I have also been slacking on the exercise thing.  I had a cheeseburger every day for the last week *sigh*…things will get better right?