Fruit Looped

So I went to the doc for the annual inspection of my lady parts.  First off let me say that I despise his scale – I washeavier on his than mine – which prompted me to ask is “HIS” broken?  Truth be told his is calibrated by an outside company (I saw the sticker and everything) and mine is calibrated by me so the error in fact lies with my scale.  Anyway, I bought another scale, digital this time, because  I wanted to be getting the right readings.  Overnight I am back at 188.  This is a little on the depressing side but gave me more motivation to get back where I was on the other scale…I really liked seeing that 170!  Moving on…. I had a general idea of how this appt was going to go…I undress, he comes in, I see the spoons, etc…  Well, this time there was the added bonus of a finger in my bum…that’s right in my bum.  I have been to this doc. several times and NEVER had a finger there…imagine my surprise.  After that it was pretty much uneventful.  We talked about resuming IUI’s with me not Jo this time and he gave me Metformin 850mg once a day before bed.  I am not very familiar with this drug but he did say it was used for diabetics and will help me ovulate and lose weight.  Sounds like the wonder drug which makes me think “what’s the catch”?  Does it have insane side effects?  He wanted me to start taking it right away but I leave for Vegas in 5 days and I don’t want to start now and then have some kind of allergic reaction without a doctor that I know around…do you think I am over reacting? He also gave me clomid 100mg on CD 5-9 but I won’t start taking that until the month before I want to try to see if it helps me ovulate.

So this chart is obviously anov. but how did FF pick up on a potential ovulation so late in the game and why didn’t the hatched lines disappear when my first light day came?  Hmmm many question.  I am thinking that it is time to start charting my CF as well so that they have more info to work with.  I just don’t feel like I am expert enough to tell the different ones apart.  I can tell the big one EW but the others not so much…  Anywho, here is a pic of what I see unfolding before me everyday – crazy and confusing as it is – any ideas?

*currently listening to:

Temps plummeted this morning and thank heavens because  I really didn’t want to be on my period in Vegas.  I am thinking that tomorrow will be CD 1 – which makes me VERY happy!  Symps that we similar to last month is 

• Sore boobies – 5-7 days before
• Cramps – 1-2 days before
• fatigue – 1-2 days before
• cravings – insane cravings for buffalo sauce 7-10 days before
• Headaches – off and on around 3-4 days before
• acne – hopefully with the help of proactive this will no longer be on the list.

Other things that were not noticeable this month but were last month – are constipation, dizziness and thirst.  I am sure that some of these things were probably just flukes but I want to know which ones are *always (mostly) due to AF arriving.   So that’s today in a nut shell – I will post a pic of my chart later – this one is a doozy.  Still anovulatory…bummer.

Me at 185, 175 and about 170 (bottom pic).  I keep saying I can’t believe it but really I just can’t.  Only a little while now and I will start TTC again!  WHOO HOO!

OH and I am starting the pro-active regiment for my skin.  Now that things are starting to get back on track it seems my skin is going crazy!  I haven’t had this many pimples since puberty.  I don’t want all my pictures of the vegas trip to be me covered in unsightly blemishes (sounds like the commercial :O)  so I bought some yesterday.  For only$70 (WHAT!!!)  dollars.  Anyway, I will let you know if it works as well as they say or if it’s crap in a bottle.

*currently listening to

We are leaving for Vegas in just over 2 weeks from now.  OMG I can’t wait!  It is going to be sooooo awesome!  We are thinking that we will buy one more small luggage so we can pack half and half .  That way if one bag gets lost we both still have clothes.   I have been hearing a lot about it from people who have been and it sounds like a dream trip – Vegas, Grand Cany.on and ATV’s in the desert!  Last but certainly not least – BETTE MIDLER in concert!  Jo’s dad always wanted to take her to the GC but he passed away before he got the chance.  I feel a mix of emotions about that – I mean I couldn’t decide where to take her and then all of  the sudden the GC popped in my head and I though – hmmm that’s close to Vegas too we could do both!  Funny how things work  – he was probably whispering it to me in my sleep or something :O)  Anyway, creepiness aside – it warms my heart to know that I am able to give her the trip they really wanted to take and just couldn’t. 

Switching gears for a minute – my temp this morning was up – 97.2 and it was supposed to go down.  Today is CD 29 – supposed to be the last day of this cycle but I have a feeling this one will be longer due to my topsy turvy life her lately.  My boobs did get sore 2 days ago and I have been feeling sluggish so I’m sure it’s not longer that a week to go to she gets here.  This cycle looks anovulatory as well.  Looks like I have to lose some more weight to get things going in the right direction.  6 More lbs. will put me at this months goal but I only have 2 weeks left (with a vacation trip) in the midst of all that to boot.  HMMM….might have to use that gym at the hotel after all :O)

* Chart updated as of this morning

So Monday went pretty much as expected.  She sat in meeting and tried to be all sweet.  What she didn’t know is that I was expecting that and I came prepared to keep my job at all costs…even if it meant sucking up a little…to her.   So I bit the bullet and admitted that I made a mistake and that my frustration with the situation (not her) got in the way of good professional judgment.  I came to her because I trusted her and needed her help and she refused me.  To which she replied – “I didn’t know you needed me like that” and I said “well I did”. 

I genuinely believe that I should have done things differently and I do feel remorse for the trouble I did cause – it’s not like me to act out – especially at work.  However, I don’t feel like I should apologize to her – and I didn’t.  I am still peeved… but I still have my job.  Thank you God. 

My temps have been staying right around the same all month long with an occasional blip that looks out of place.  Today is CD 28 and my boobs started getting sore yesterday.  Last time I had sore boobs for a week before AF showed so I will keep track of pre-AF symps this time as well to hopefully see a trend.  At least, something that happens every time so I can say “yep it worked this time – because I never had that before”.  Anyway, fingers crossed for everyone in the TWW this month – Hopefully you will all be preggo when  I get ready to join the TWWaiting game!

suck.  seriously.  I am dreading work a little lot today.  All these stupid meetings about teamwork which I already know about.  I wish this lady (Susie is her name) would just leave me the hell alone.  If you ‘ll remember I posted about her before.  Her daughter wanted to get pregnant and I wouldn’t lend her my book.  She’s had it out for me ever since.  Always coming behind me and trying to catch something I did wrong.  Well, I’ve had enough.  Basically what happened was : people kept taking the supplies I kept in my workroom – I told my supervisor about it and she passed along the message to first shift supervisor.  Apparently that is where it stopped because nothing was getting done and my supplies were still going missing.  So I zip-tied my equipment together so that it would stay put and I could work  when I got there instead of spending the first 30 min to an hour looking for my stuff.  Well, first shift came in and had a shit fit.  Told the manager that I was being selfish and I didn’t care about anyone but myself (because MY work equipment was gone).  I tried the next day to talk to Susie one- on-one like adults (keep in mind she is about 52).  She put her hand in my face and said it’s not my problem you need to talk to the supervisors – um duh that is what I was trying to do to begin with….didn’t work.  That meeting just escalated into a meeting with my manager and susie – which she ended up walking out of…with the manager still in the room.  After all that - now today I have to go to a guided meeting with our company team counselor.  Hopefully something good will come of this and maybe I can learn something worthwhile to help me talk with people objectively.  I”ll let you know how it goes.

the need for….reflection.  I have been thinking about a lot of things today – since i took the day off to specifically do that.  I have been thinking of (here come the bullets folks)

• My mom – and how much I love her and need her support on this journey.  So many others are not as fortunate as we are to have support from their families.  My heart goes out to them.
• my job – and how a few bad choices can cost you so much in such a short amount of time.  I am having to meet with a team counselor because I am perceived as being selfish and self serving.  Well, I work to work – not to make friends and since I am competitive by nature it seems to me like they are just  upset that I strive to do a better job and it makes them look bad- IMHO.
• my body – and how I really want to look like a million buck but instead I am spending a million bucks on fast food that destroys all of the hard work I have put in.  Addiction is tough.  I need a push in the right direction again or some motivation – a cheering section if you will.
• my home – which I can’t seem to sell to help us get out of here and start fresh somewhere else.
• my self esteem – which is in the pits thanks to my body not ovulating or doing anything that is friken supposed to.  OH wait – that’s my fault.
• my honey – and how I love her so much and wish i could give her better things…but i can’t.
• my faith – which has been tested more than once and still keeps me going.  God is in all things – and we only pass this way once so if we can show just a little kindness let us do it now.  I firmly believe in the co-existing of religions without hate.  Personally I believe there is a little truth in all of them on purpose so that we would have to come together to get the whole picture.  just my opinion – no hate mail please religious fanatics.
• my quilting – which i have neglected almost to the point where i might have forgotten how to do it (not really but you get my point).  This is a stress relief for me and I haven’t even got the energy for it.

This has been a heck of a week.  So far – I have been unable to exercise not because I couldn’t but because I wouldn’t.  Motivation is gone, lacking, disappeared…whatever.  Work is a blur right now – i’m just trying to keep my job at this point.  The good news is it’s friday and the weekend is here.  Monday…well, we shall cross that bridge when we get there.

I can’t say that I am super surprised seeing as I made WAY TO MANY bad choices of food on our trip. Still though, I am a little bummed. I can’t seem to get that exercise bug back – although I did try one of the BL challenges last night and did 100 up/downs in 12 minutes. So I guess that is the silver lining. I needed to document the gain (even though I could have just as easily not said anything) so that I keep myself accountable. If I skipped the weigh in this time it would be easier to skip it next time. It’s that hard that makes us great right?!

basically, we went on a mini vacay this weekend and I didn’t temp – or chart the whole time.  I took a break.  Which right about now I am regretting a little.  It would have been so easy to do one min. with a thermometer and I could have went back to sleep.  Now my chart is crap and my sleep schedule is messed up as well.  The temps I am getting are an hour or more than normally scheduled programing and it looks like doo.  for real.  I have been taking OPK (except this weekend which was probably when it happened) and today I got a faint line which means A) I have either already O’ed and it’s catching the tail end of the surge or B) it’s getting ready to happened.  It’s hard for me to tell from my temps because they are all over the place …but I did have some EWCF this weekend while we were gone so my guess is – it already happened.  The crazy thing is next month I will be in exactly the same boat because we will be on vacay to VEAGS the same CD weekend as this month. 

I went ahead and made an apt. for my yearly during which I will talk to my OB about resuming our IUI’s.  Having lost a little bit of weight I am hoping he will say yes – and that I don’t need any meds because everything should be operating normally.  We have had a heck of a time finding an RE in our area that does not refuse service to lesbian couples. So if things don’t (for whatever reason) work out with doctor-funny-pants and the IUI’s and we have to go this route – it will mean a two hour tour to Jax beach and a lot more money.    Here is this month’s chart so far:

*currently listening to: