So we are doing a basket raffle at my work to help raise money for the United Way. I was thinking about making a TTC basket. Dumb right. Sure – I have all the stuff already Pre-seed, a CBEFM with sticks, OPK’s, HPT’s, ABC’s, 123’s, etc…. Here we are on CD 23 still not much to talk about. No cramps no sore boobs no “feeling” that it worked. Were are likely fuck’d again. How do we manage to recover our sanity month after month on this brutal shitty ride. I have no clue – no easy answer. Pouring my soul out on here helps some but really in the grand scheme of things – not that much since no one knows me or seems to be listening. Today is one of those “crap days” where you get a lot done – but only because you need something to keep your mind off the fact that a fucking billion people around you are getting pregnant and still not you. Brutal. It’s actually unfuckingbelievable. I got another book – yeah me with my head in a book – that can maybe give me some hope or a little inkling that what I feel right now is normal at this point in the process. That this hopeless feeling won’t always be there – that some dreams do come true. I feel like an idiot. I sometimes feel that this in the universe’s way of letting me know that I would be a shitty parent and it’s like “hey, I’m doing you a favor here”. Asinine. So umm yeah any ideas for a basket to raffle?
We were able to get my BIL to come out and cut down the tree for only 75 dollars. We were very fortunate that it did not hit the house. I have not yet called back the doctor to find out what he has to say about what is going on with me but I am proud to report that I have been OFF my period for 3 days now with just a little break through spotting here and there. Long enough to get some “special” time with my girl.
I am sad to report that my friend had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. It really sucks because she was so happy to be out of the TTC club – only to be pushed back in against her will. Totally crappy. They remain hopeful that it will happen again – I don’t know if they are going to have to do a D&C or not. What kind of crappy apt to have to make.
I am reading a few books about church and gays. Not often you see those two in a sentence together without some slander. I am not done with the one yet but it has already given me some real perspective about our place in the church. It’s called “Take this Bread”. I have found some comfort in the pages of this book even though some of it is not what one would call comforting. It talks of her atheist upbringing and how she stumbled upon the Episcopalian church. So far it is excellent but I will give a full review once I am done 
A review of the other two books I am reading will be posted when I get done with them as well.
In fertile news – no news. We are on CD 21. One week down and one week to go on the TWW. We are staying at MIL’s right now since the rivers where we live are cresting now (overflowing) from Fay – blah.
I just wanted to stop in and say we had a tree fall. It almost hit our house. TS Fay hit pretty hard here in our little town but we are good and so are the pups. A quick comment on the IVI – Jo has had some sparatic cramping (mild) since we did the insem – a good sign?
of some people surprises me. I mean seriously WTF. Yesterday I was sitting at a meeting and my 1st shift counterpart says and I quote ” hey I need to borrow the book.” I with a very confused look on my face said “what book?” – you know “the book.” She is of course refering to the book that I let someone else borrow and they got pregnant. Taking Charge of your Fertilty is the book.
Normaly this wouldn’t have bothered me and I don’t have a problem helping anyone (since I already lent it out once) but I am not a pregnancy pimp. It’s like I am the prego guru now and anyone is allowed to ask or comment on my personal stuggles with this issue. I don’t freaking think so. What got me most is – here we are in the middle of a staff meeting and out of the blue she is asking for the book – for her daughter – who Jo dislikes – a lot. I told her politely that I packed it up somewhere and that I would give her the name and she can buy it at BAM. I said “I understand you want mine because it’s got some luck on it” – “OH it worked for you guys” – FUCK NO. “i thought you said it was lucky.” There is the phrase that got me so pissed off.
Why do I let people bother me like that. That last comment stung a littlelot. Mainly because why hasn’t it been lucky for us yet – she is kinda right. Makes me freaking mad. And now what – we don’t need it anymore so people can just ask? Screw that. Was I wrong to feel that way – she probably doesn’t even know it bothered me – figured it was ok since I did it once. That’s what my head is saying but my emotions are saying “who the hell are you to make assumptions – we aren’t done with it yet!”
Truth is my biggest fear is that someone else will get pregnant with my book other than me. Is that the dumbest thing you have ever heard? I am actually jealous of a possiblibty. I am insane.
is coming our way. I might not be on here as often in the next couple of days so I want to get my fix. Um right now we are on CD 13. We did one IVI on CD 11 and are going to try to do another before clamming up for the storm. Priorities RIGHT! So – any who Fay seems to be coming right up through where we are. I am a little nervous – it is a hurricane after all but….we have been through a few so it’s just the spin offs that worry me. Tomorrow we are going to try to get all our stuff in order (batteries, fans, water, etc….) so that we can go as soon as we need to leave. Good news is there is a chance the storm might turn and not hit us and we will be out of the cute little cone projection. Hopefully.
Signing off for now until after the storm blows over – or until it makes me stop blogging because we have no power
So as it turns out two women that I know asked me about getting pregnant. I spent time going over BBT charts and advising on days to “do it” and I am proud to say 2 for 2. Both women are now pregnant – one is 10 weeks and the other 6. I don’t understand how I can help these other women get pregnant but when it comes to us I can’t. WTF. I am trying really hard to understand what I am doing wrong but I can’t seem to put a finger on it. Everything seems right – but still no baby. I am really happy for both ladies but in the back of my mind I am sad for me us.
Today is CD 10 and we did an IVI today so you know what that means. TWW. I feel like my life here lately has become a slave to the tww. Ovulation dictates what we can do and when – and then how we act after just in case she is preggo. It is exhausting sometimes and can be a drain on the relationship too. Luckily I am aware so tonight I am taking her out to a movie tonight Probably the Sis.terhood of the Pants 2 but maybe Mam.a Mia?
It appears that my blood work came back all in normal range. Glucose test shows my fasting level at 88 so…I’m not diabetic. While this news should make me really happy and it does – they did not mention the possible fibroids, cysts, tumor or whatever it was. So I think I am going to get a second opinion. At least my blood didn’t show increased levels of white blood cells so NO cancer whew…………………. I am still looking for and RE and for some individual insurace that will cover our fertility treatments. We are on CD 9 right now and it appears that we will NOT have the funds again this month so we are trying with our old donor again – probably on Sunday and Tuesday.
I can’t believe how hard it is to find what you need here where we live. There are two RE’s in our area but they work in a private clinic that only deals with Married Hetero couples. WTF is that about!? The closest one I can find is in either Tampa or Jax beach – both are too long a drive for me. Especially when we have two near by that just won’t see us because we are gay. I have heard of doctors refusing services but never actually experienced it first hand – What an F’in bummer.
I shouldn’t really be surprised though - Florida is known for is absolute discrimination against gays. It’s just tough seeing it first hand ya know. So I don’t know what we are going to do about an RE. Our GYN has not mentioned a specialist and is ok with doing our IUI’s right now but what happens when or if he does? I can tell you – we will be packin’ our asses in the car and on a three hour tour to the RE’s office in one of the two directions.
I went for blood work on Friday – the one I have been neglecting because well….who wants to know something’s wrong- I’d rather not. Now that is done though it’s like I do and then I don’t – totally crazy and hate it. 4 months is a long time to be bleeding everyday – but it’s not the longest I have been that would be 7 months. Yes you read that right – my doc actually had to stop it with medication and I ended up in the hospital severely anemic. Now you ask yourself WHY did she wait that long? Fear. That’s why. I have had 3 cousins around my age get cancer. 2 have died. 1 had to have one ovary removed and part of her cervix.
I am trying to get my health issues under control now by changing my eating and exercise habits. We will see – meanwhile the search continues for a new doc. This is RE-diculous!
I thought I would list some of my favorites:
Movies:
- Steel Magnolias
- Dan in Real Life
- Memoires of a Geisha
- Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Books
- Sweet Liar
- Harry Potter 1-7
- Great Quilt Patterns
Games
- Rock Band
- Mario Bros.
- Zelda
Music
- Reba
- The Wreckers
- Dixie Chicks
There are so many others but these are some of the best IMO
